Valentine's Day: 6 things that will definitely happen if you're single

published 13 February 2020

Brace yourself, says Olivia Foster, because not even a pandemic can stop the clichés coming your way

Valentine’s Day; a day of romance, flowers, M&S two-for-one meal deals and declarations of undying love. If you’re single, please tick box for a) texts from men you don’t fancy, b) mis-matched underwear and c) Netflix binge night.

Whether you’re a Valentine’s lover, hater or you’re totally indifferent to the Hallmark holiday, one thing’s for sure, at least one of the below will happen before the day is out. Sorry, we don’t make the rules.

You’ll Get A Mysterious Card From Your Mum

What’s that in your letterbox? A card in a red envelope? Signed from a mysterious admirer? Did it arrive just days after your mum's text asking for a reminder of your address? Seems legit.

Plus Four Texts From Guys You Went On A Single Date With

These will range from a three-scroll epilogue about how, despite only meeting once, John, 35, from Essex, has actually realised you were perfect for one another, to a cursory, ‘U up?,’ from a guy you snogged outside a Be At One. And who cna blame him for trying.

And One Text From Your Ex-Boyfriend

There’s nothing great about this. If you ended on good terms it will only set you back a few weeks of pretending you can be friends. If you ended on bad terms, you’ll have to spend the day resisting the temptation to tell him to…

You Might Even Send Some Yourself…

Look, this is a no-judgement zone, you can’t help it if you have four glasses of Pinot Grigio and decide that you don’t want to spend the evening alone. Just make sure you’re not texting someone you’re going to regret. Yes, you know who. And no, they are NOT in your support bubble.

You’ll Be Served Sponsored Ads To Singles Nights

If you’ve ever wondered if your phone is listening to you, it will 100% be confirmed as you’re served ad after ad for special discouts on Deliveroo and yoga mats.

But At Least They’ll Break Up Your Instagram Feed

You’re not saying you’re not happy for Sarah and her engagement, but was it really necessary for her to post a 25-slide long Instagram announcement?

Maria Coole is a contributing editor on Marie Claire.

Hello Marie Claire readers – you have reached your daily destination. I really hope you’re enjoying our reads and I'm very interested to know what you shared, liked and didn’t like (gah, it happens) by emailing me at: maria.coole@freelance.ti-media.com

But if you fancy finding out who you’re venting to then let me tell you I’m the one on the team that remembers the Spice Girls the first time round. I confidently predicted they’d be a one-hit wonder in the pages of Bliss magazine where I was deputy editor through the second half of the 90s. Having soundly killed any career ambitions in music journalism I’ve managed to keep myself in glow-boosting moisturisers and theatre tickets with a centuries-spanning career in journalism.

Yes, predating t’internet, when 'I’ll fax you' was grunted down a phone with a cord attached to it; when Glastonbury was still accessible by casually going under or over a flimsy fence; when gatecrashing a Foo Fighters aftershow party was easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy and tapping Dave Grohl on the shoulder was... oh sorry I like to ramble.

Originally born and bred in that there Welsh seaside town kindly given a new lease of life by Gavin & Stacey, I started out as a junior writer for the Girl Guides and eventually earned enough Brownie points to move on and have a blast as deputy editor of Bliss, New Woman and editor of People newspaper magazine. I was on the launch team of Look in 2007 - where I stuck around as deputy editor and acting editor for almost ten years - shaping a magazine and website at the forefront of body positivity, mental wellbeing and empowering features. More recently, I’ve been Closer executive editor, assistant editor at the Financial Times’s How To Spend It (yes thanks, no probs with that life skill) and now I’m making my inner fangirl’s dream come true by working on this agenda-setting brand, the one that inspired me to become a journalist when Marie Claire launched back in 1988.

I’m a theatre addict, lover of Marvel franchises, most hard cheeses, all types of trees, half-price Itsu, cats, Dr Who, cherry tomatoes, Curly-Wurly, cats, blueberries, cats, boiled eggs, cats, maxi dresses, cats, Adidas shelltops, cats and their kittens. I’ve never knowingly operated any household white goods and once served Ripples as a main course. And finally, always remember what the late great Nora Ephron said, ‘Everything is copy.’