Donald Trump wants our men to smell like him - and it ain’t pretty

Hands up who wants to smell like Donald Trump? Well, as luck would have it, now you can.

Is there anything that Donald Trump can’t do? I kid - of course - he’s pretty useless at many things; not least uniting the US Republican Party and going a day without offending women/Muslims/Democrats/Mexicans or all of the above.

Not happy simply making our ears bleed - and our mind boggle - with his outrageously offensive comments – the presidential ‘hopeful’ wants the man in your life to smell like him too. Thanks for that Trump.

Somehow – in the manner of a painful repressed memory – we completely forgot that Donald Trump attempted to make it big in fragrance. Naturally, we’ve had plenty of laughs since we remembered.

If you fancy a giggle, pop by Amazon and read the customer reviews for 'Donald Trump The Fragrance' with one reviewer writing, ‘Since using this life changing product, I've experienced several bankruptcies and the dissolution of two or three marriages. Never before have I been so close to achieving the pinnacle of the American Dream. I'd give this balm five stars, but it's annoying that I have to produce a birth certificate every time I purchase a bottle.’

Trump The Fragrance seems to have disappeared entirely but there are, in fact, two other Trump fragrances still available to buy in the US. Not-surprisingly, the mogul never managed to launch his olfactory offerings into the UK; it most likely has something to with the word ‘trump’ being slang for fart this side of the pond.

We know you’re eager to get your hands on a piece of Trump, so, what are your purchasing options? Perhaps you’d like your man to smell like ‘Empire by Trump’ (if you imagine this to be spoken in the X-Factor presenter voice it sounds all the better). Trump calls this; ‘The perfect accessory for the confident man determined to make his mark with passion, perseverance and drive.’ I won’t go into the notes, I really don’t think I need to.

Or maybe you’re more into ‘Success by Trump’ which ‘captures the spirit of the driven man.’ I have no intention of inhaling it so I couldn’t possibly tell you what this smells like either; though one might imagine top notes of smugness and a heart of letch over a base of misogyny. Ironically, the beautiful brunette in the campaign for ‘Success by Trump’ is Mexican.

But, if you’re desperate to get your hands on Trump’s scents (shudders) then you might have a bit of a challenge ahead of you. Perfumania, the maker of Donald Trump Fragrances, cut ties with the would-be President last year following his remarks about Mexicans. And Macys – who exclusively sold Trump fragrances – dropped the politician like a hot potato too. You might still be able to track a bottle-or-two of eau de Trump down from his website, though.