Today is Valentine’s Day - a holiday that’s supposed to be about love but makes a lot of us feel pretty shit. In our increasingly events-oriented society, Valentine’s is no longer a 24-hour occasion; it’s a month-long parade of heart-shaped snacks, presents posted to Instagram, and carefully coordinated couples’ photos.
For others, it can feel more like an assault cause. Bianca Neumann, Head of Bereavement at Sue Ryder, says she speaks with many people who spend the entire month avoiding stores and supermarkets for fear of being met with aisles stuffed with teddies, flowers and pink fizz.
You don’t have to have lost a partner to experience a sense of grief and heartbreak around this time, but it can be especially cruel for those who are facing the holiday without a loved one by their side - whether that love was romantic, platonic, or familial.
Loving takes many forms, and so does grieving, but here are some starting points from Bianca to help you show up for yourself and make the day a little easier.
Celebrate the love you have
“Valentine’s Day has evolved past just being a day for couples; we now have Galentine’s Day and Palentine’s Day celebrations that help people celebrate their love for their friends and family. So, on this Valentine’s Day, in the face of absence and loss, try to celebrate the love that surrounds you in your friends and family."
Reflect on your partner’s love
“Just because your partner is no longer with you, it doesn’t mean you can’t remember how their love made you feel. It can be painful, but it can also be a way of remembering them in a different light and focusing on the good times that made you who you are today. We don’t have to make feelings go away when someone has gone; we have to explore them gently and at our own pace."
Do something to remember them
“If you want to feel closer to your loved one, you could do something you used to do together to remember them. That might be a meal from your favourite takeaway or a walk you liked to do together. It might help to bring along a friend or family member, too, in case you don’t want to be alone."
Write it down
“Sometimes, getting our feelings out on paper can help us process the complex emotions we are feeling. Writing is a way of validating your emotions and feeling closer to your loved one, even though they’re not there with you."
Know that you're not alone
“You may feel like everyone in your life is celebrating with a partner, but know that you are not alone. It’s useful knowing that there are other people whose partner has gone out there who understand. Don’t hold it all in."
Do what's right for you
“If you are really struggling with the thought of Valentine’s Day, you could ignore the day completely. Take the day off work if you can, delete your social media for the day and do things that make you happy – maybe that’s baking, watching a Netflix show, going on a walk, or simply having a lazy day."
The truth is the day will be full of different feelings. There will be many firsts without your partner, this Valentine’s Day, remember to be loving and kind to yourself.
How do I support a loved one who is grieving?
“If someone you know is grieving, remember to check in on them - people can find it difficult to reach out when they are grieving. Perhaps you can send a card or care package. It’s easy to show the people around us that we care, yet when someone is grieving, many people are so scared of getting it wrong that they do nothing."