12 things men really think about sex

From doctors and surveyors to teachers and artists, 12 smart men tell us what is really on their mind when they take you to bed...

1) A threesome can be better in fantasy than reality

Mark 35, is a writer and newlywed ‘A threesome has become a sort of shorthand for the ultimate male fantasy. I think that’s for lots of reasons – virility, dominance. It’s happened to me once, in my twenties, when, after a lot to drink, I ended up in bed with an ex-girlfriend and a close friend of hers. I did enjoy it, but if I’m honest I enjoyed the fact I was having the experience more than the experience itself. It was sexy to a degree – it’s a huge turn-on to watch two women kissing – but I had this weird sense of being a spectator at the event. I actually enjoyed reliving it afterwards as a fantasy more.'

2) Yes, men get insecure, too

Raj, 33, an engineer is recently divorced ‘I think men are generally more confident about the way they look, but most of us have one or two self-conscious niggles. My self-esteem took a knock after I got divorced – my wife had an affair and, as a man, that strikes at the core of your identity. You think: “Wasn’t I man enough for her?” In the wake of that, the things I had hang-ups about – being a bit short, skinny legs – were magnified. A few compliments go a long way to helping relieve that. It’s always nice to hear that your partner likes your sexy chest, or that they think you have a cute bum.'

3) Some fantasies are better shared…

Tim, 28, a computer programmer, has been with his girlfriend for two years ‘Like all men, I fantasise pretty regularly, both throughout the day and during sex. Sometimes they are fleeting – imagining sex with the attractive waitress who served me coffee – and sometimes they are more prolonged and ‘pornified’, if you like – sex in a hot tub with some gorgeous twins, all the usual clichés, I fantasise about my girlfriend, too, sometimes with another woman, or dressed up. I would love to talk to her about it, but I worry she will judge me or even be put off. It’s not as though I want her to necessarily act it out, just that talking about it would be a turn-on.’

4) and others fantasies are probably best kept secret

Paul, 36, is a doctor. He has been married for six years ‘Men’s fantasies are usually thin on the plot, entirely predictable and quickly reach their conclusion. They’re also pretty meaningless. Like most men, I have fantasized about some of my wife’s friends, even though I don’t particularly fancy any of them in real life. I wouldn’t dream of telling her, as I can’t emphasise enough how little it means. I think it’s almost automatic for men to imagine sex with most reasonably attractive women they meet. It’s like a ticker tape of images that keep you stimulated, or a Rolodex you call on. But it doesn’t mean I don’t love my wife or I don’t still think she’s amazing.'

5) Take the lead

Luke, 31, is a chartered surveyor. He lives with his girlfriend of four years. ‘Don’t make us do all the running when it comes to sex. Making us feel that you want us is very sexy in itself.’

6) Be their private lap dancer

John, 32, is a single teacher ‘My ex-girlfriend used to do this thing where she straddled me on a chair and swivelled her hips back and forth before slipping her underwear off. Even though the relationship didn’t work, I still think about it.’

7) Don’t be threatened by porn

Will, 42, a financial advisor, is married with three sons ‘No man I know sees porn as anything other than straight stimulation, something separate from real life. We like porn because it’s uncomplicated, and shows women apparently enjoying sex unencumbered by all the stress of day-to-day living. It’s not real life, we know real women aren’t like that and we certainly don’t make comparisons. We don't want you to act like a porn star - but we do love a surprise dirty text and some sexy lingerie.

8) Share your kinky ideas

Wes, 39, is an artist. He has been with his partner for 15 years ‘Don’t be shy, speak your mind. Unless it’s a truly niche kink, he’ll probably be up for at least giving it a go and will probably like the fact that you suggested it.’

9) There is such a thing as a bad blow job…

Chris, 32, is an English teacher with a girlfriend of five years ‘They’re great if they’re done properly, but if girls seem to hate giving them, it can detract from the overall enjoyment. My experience is that in a long-term relationship they happen very infrequently.’

10) They have erogenous zones, too

Jack, 38, a graphic designer has been married for 11 years. ‘When sex does happen with my wife, we’re both guilty of making it feel a little functional. I miss the days when we lingered over each other’s bodies. I’m not saying it’s the same for all men, but we’re not all cavemen. It’s nice to focus on the whole body, not just the obvious bits. In my case, my chest, inner thighs and the area just behind my ears are incredibly sensitive.’

11) If the machinery doesn’t work, it’s not your fault

Tre, 32, is a sales manager and has been married for three years ‘Like any man, I can lose my erection if I’m stressed or overtired. It’s not great but it becomes a lot worse if your partner makes a big deal of it, which mine always seems to do. She makes it about her, when in fact it’s about me and how I’m feeling, and it ends up with both of us feeling inadequate. The best way to deal with it is to say “Don’t worry”, then carry on having a cuddle.’

12) Not all men are the same…

Tom, 25, is a single biochemist ‘…and nor are our attitudes to sex. There’s no “one size fits all” when it comes to what makes us tick.’